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LAWYER & DOCTOR JOKES
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Center for Accident & Injury Assistance
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Billboard joke submitted by Nora Saunders
TRUE STORIES, BUT I STILL DON'T BELIEVE THEM!
EMAIL SCAMS, DON'T BELIEVE THEM!
Please use our new Message Board
911. A couple of Alabama hunters
are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his
cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is
dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy. I can help.
First, lets make sure he's dead." ...There is a silence, then a shot
is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now
what?" (Now, tell his family to call 1-800-HURT-911 for a lawyer!) (forwarded by
Dan B.)
Second Opinion. A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.". The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.". "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." (forwarded by Shari Bass-Finz)
A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human
Services)
Then think about this:
A. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun
owners.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before
this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics
on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.
Traffic Lights for Christmas. Must have been designed by a female traffic engineer!
A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG." The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and is killed. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen.
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step-stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Blonde vs Lawyer: (forwarded by Farrell Kawamura). A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
The smarter woman hurt in a car accident. A woman and a man is involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this, there's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Another lawyer joke. (Submitted by Steven A. Feldman, Esq.) A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.". "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.". With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... The pig and the cow.
A Lawyer's Affair. (Submitted by Dan Berkowitz) For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Supposedly From a book called "Disorder in the Court". (Submitted by Dan Berkowitz). Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Supposedly Actual Accident Summaries (submitted by Adele). The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I collided with a stationary car going the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
Generic Drug Names. As you know, in pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is Acetaminophen. Advil is Ibuprofen. Rogaine is Minoxodil and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. They announced today they have settled on Mycoxafloppin. Submitted by Maelisa Reed.
A few jokes submitted by Maelisa Reed.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wingtips.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the
lawyer. Twice.
TRUE STORIES, BUT I STILL DON'T BELIEVE THEM!
Philip Morris Says, Let People Kill Themselves Smoking & Save Money!
July 26, 2001 Tobacco giant Philip Morris Co. has apologized for a company-funded study that stated the early deaths of smokers is one of the "positive effects" of cigarette smoking. "We understand that this was not only a terrible mistake, but that it was wrong," Steven Parrish, a Philip Morris senior vice president, told The Wall Street Journal in Thursday's editions. "To say it's totally inappropriate is an understatement." The study by research company Arthur D. Little International concluded that the financial benefits to the Czech Republic government from duties and taxes paid by consumers, importers and tobacco businesses outweighed the costs of health care, lost working days and fires caused by cigarettes. The government's net gain from the tobacco industry was $146 million, it said. On top of that, it said, were the "indirect positive effects" of early deaths — savings on health care, pensions, welfare and housing for the elderly. The report indicated that smoking can save $30 million a year in health care, housing and pensions it won't have to pay to smokers who die before collecting. Now the company has canceled plans for similar studies in Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, and Slovenia, Parrish said. The report was issued as part of a Philip Morris effort to lobby the Czech government against stricter health regulations on cigarettes. Smoking rates in the Czech Republic are above average but declining, and the government must adopt some anti-smoking laws to join the European Union. Last week, Philip Morris defended the research as simply a "classical economic study" that was "aimed at providing data as part of the ongoing debate on tobacco revenues and taxes.". No other company in the world would claim that killing its customers is good for society," said anti-smoking advocate Joe Cherner. Last year, Czech Prime Minister Milos Zeman said he smoked cigarettes to boost the country's budget, citing cigarette taxes and the chance he could die before reaching pension age. So keep smoking and save money!
Clowns Told to Get
Custard Pie Insurance
April 6, 2001
LONDON (Reuters)
- Circus clowns were told on Thursday to take out custard pie insurance against
the risk of being sued by spectators who fail to see the joke.
"With an increasingly litigation-crazy public... the ethics and legal implications of 'splatting' and 'sloshing' are expected to be hotly debated under the Big Top," Clowns International said in a statement from its annual convention. Although no clown has yet been sued by the recipient of a face-full of custard pie, the organization fears it may be just a matter of time. Martin "Zippo" Burton, the group's honorary vice-president, said only fellow clowns and celebrities should be chosen, a white-faced clown must never be hit, and careful judgement should be used to ensure that those targeted were not averse.
'Witch' Fights Legal
First to End Exile
April 6, 2001
ACCRA (Reuters) - An 80-year-old Ghanaian woman has taken pioneering
steps toward ending an ancient practice which condemns dozens of women each
year to a life of exile and misery as witches, the state Ghanaian Times said
on Thursday. Janet Tibu has taken legal action against the chief and elders of Peki-Avetile
in the Volta region, who declared her a witch last August, fined her and
cast her out of her village.
Dozens of Ghanaian women suffer a similar fate each year. Some are stoned
to death. Others are confined to camps where witchdoctors subject them to
traditional exorcism rites after which they are forced to till the land as
bonded laborers. Tibu was accused by a traditional village tribunal last year of bewitching
a local herb doctor, who claimed she was the cause of his poverty and impotence.
She says she suffered humiliation as crowds jeered and taunted her after
she was convicted. She has since lived in agony and poverty, isolated from
her children who are forbidden to visit her. Her court action pits the ancient customary law of the village against the
modern British-based legal system inherited from the former colonial power
in what could be a landmark case for hundreds of Ghanaian "witches."
Back Pain Device Produces Orgasms
List of humorous? accidents They might be funny if they weren't true.
Phony Phone Call - Here's one lawyer who never heard of the Jerky Boys.
EMAIL SCAMS, DON'T BELIEVE THEM!
Email Scam: "Six real lawsuits showcase the need for tort reform" - A list of phony lawsuits (and proof that they're false), sent in emails to gain support for tort reform. (From Snopes.com)
Email Scam: " Winnebago Lawsuit Email"
Email Scam: "Lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire" This has been spread around the internet in various versions. This is a known email scam. The story is not true and there is no Criminal Lawyers Award Contest or Criminal Lawyers Darwin Award Contest. This scam originally began without the person being a lawyer and that was also false. Then someone added the lawyer into the story. One of the versions is:
A Charlotte, NC man purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the man for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART - So what would you decide to do as the insurance company? Here is what they did: After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This story was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Darwin Award Contest.
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